The musings have been dark for months now so I've kept myself from posting.  Who the fuck needs to read stuff that is going to bring them down? The reality is that shortly after starting this blog the shit hit the fan and it required full and undivided attention to work through it.  I’m mostly on the other side and can write about it without ranting and raving. Although in the interest of fair warning, this is going to be a blunt post.

The fact is marriage is hard. New marriage is shiny and untested, sure there are the occasional arguments and disagreements but usually they are cured by a lovely dinner out and good make-up sex. Middle marriage has the benefit (and curse) of routine, but by this point; there are usually children in the picture and many, many other things to think about. Children, jobs, house, money…they all add to the richness of middle marriage and also the stresses. I realize that these are huge generalizations but for me they sum up the overall tenor of these phases of marriage.

This brings us to mature marriage, fast forward 25 years and a whole unique set of challenges presents itself. You are not the same person that you once were and neither is your partner. To make the necessary adjustments through this, you have to be committed to discussion and change. You have to accept the person you’ve become, addressing where you are in the aging process while addressing the same in your partner. You aren’t the people you once were and figuring out who you are as you enter the final 3^rd of life can be daunting.  

In the past 2 years, I’ve watched multiple marriages collapse because the husband … well, collapsed. Honestly, it’s like there is a cliché virus going around and the men are catching it. Whether a mistress, a move across the country to ‘find themselves’, or other reasons, these guys have chosen to move on to new instead of doing the work necessary to rejuvenate and reconnect with themselves and their partner. Why?

As I’ve been thinking about this – and I’ve been thinking A LOT about this – I have a theory. From the time a woman is a pre-teen her body will not be ignored. Every month, her body reminds her that she is a biological creature.  She must go to school with cramps, ‘buck up’ and ignore the pain.  Then it’s on to college and the workplace, while cramping and bleeding. As some of you know, if you are sitting through class or a meeting and think you might be ‘leaking’ its fricken’ hard to concentrate. Through all of this, she must continue with her life as friend, partner, wife, mother, co-worker, whatever. None of it stops for her body and she is aware that no matter what’s happening on the outside, her body is going through its paces and moving towards. Whether towards children, menopause, or old age, it goes on no matter what her life circumstances. There is somewhere deep inside that knows it’s aging and what that may mean.

At the mature marriage point, most women are somewhere in the menopause process and they are dealing with aging in a big way. You have to be strong, strong to get through all of these changes.  Pretending it isn't happening doesn't work.

  

For men, I imagine the experience is completely different. They may gain weight after college and perhaps they can’t play their favorite sport quite the same way but they do not have a monthly reminder that whatever they think, their bodies are actually in control.  Somewhere in their early 50’s, they may require a bit more to get going sexually and, for the first time, their bodies take front and center. While I imagine that most women face this prospect with a ‘who the hell cares, let’s just do more’, the men seem to freak out.  In any good freak out, it’s easier to place blame than to face the facts.  Of course the easiest target is always the partners but there are plenty of targets to choose from; a less than perfect childhood, an unsatisfying job and of course there are more.  Again, I’m simplifying but you get the idea.  For most of his life, a man is free to address life without his body calling a time-out.  

Weirdly, this seems to make them a bit more selfish as they age. You would think that the person who is thinking about her body would be the most selfish but I don’t think that’s true. I think that women recognize that life is hard and sometimes uncomfortable.  You take a deep breath and get on with it.  You find the outlets that help you cope. For some it is religion or a close circle of women friends who you confess everything to. For others a creative outlet will do the trick and let’s face it – we don’t all love Martha Stewart just because she’s MS - we love her because she gives us something fun and beautiful to think about and provides a creative outlet! The men around me appear to be collapsing into a ‘whoa is me’ philosophy and think the solution is to turn inward and self-indulgent.

If you've gotten this far, you've probably guessed that my mature marriage sits on a precipice.  I don’t know if we’ll make it out together. With outside help we may come out the other side and honestly, we may even be stronger for it. All I know is that at this point in time, I want to face life in joy and adventure.